While the whole world reflects back on 2009, I thought of doing so too – trying to see what bothered me the most that I would like to change. They are in no specific order, just as they occured to me.
PS: These may sound cynical rants …that is by design. 🙂
Men in Beard
Its 9.00 am, a start of a fresh morning. I am all set for a gripping day’s cricket. As I get past the cacophonic pre match analysis and the ever so clueless pitch report (son of a pitch), it is toss time. A well slept and well fed Ravi Shastri (with puffed eyes), beams in to my drawing room “Good morning, Guwahati. We are all set for another fascinating game of cricket. The men who matter are in the middle – Match Referee Chris Broad (impeccably dressed), the two captains (Ricky Ponting – with his clean shaven fast resembling George Bush expression and MS Dhoni ……. – Unshaven salt and pepper beard, Hair all over the place ill fitting Nike Outfit …). Thought crosses my mind – How much time does it take to shave? India decides to bowl… the entire team walks in MS, Viru, Gauti, Yuvi, Tendlya, Virat, Suresh etc etc. Ek ne bhi shaving nahin kiya. They are a great bunch no doubt… but please can you please shave? Theres nothing fashionable with a weeklong / monthlong “fasal” on your face (with you scratching it throughout). It is uncouth. (Maybe BCCI is negotiating a deal there too with Gillette …. Anything is possible… imagine Yuvi with Gillette written on his left cheek and Mach III on right = $650 mn for BCCI).
Spare the Larynx and Pharynx …. And our Eardrums!!!
“Enough is Enough” – that was the punchline floated by messrs. Prannoy Roy and Co. post 26/11 fiasco. I would like to play it back to the news media (cutting across all languages). Please don’t shout your guts out and demean the capabilities of the state of the art microphones procured painfully by your Purchase / Procurement departments. We can hear you even when you mutter swear words under your breath (remember election counting days …. Barkha whispering “What’s going on…it’s a screw up” when one of the videos / god knows what did not play at the right moment). Please spare us from this blaring glaring (which you think Daring) moments. Its such a pain when you choose not to watch the news channel but this unbearable screams somehow make into your ears from the drawing rooms of the neighbours. How about a week long crash course in “How to speak in low amicable tone and make an impact” from Halla Gorani (CNN). And I wish I can take law in my hands I would commit homicide on the next journo who says “How are you feeling / Aapko kaisa lag raha hai?”.
Paapi Pet (Abs) ka Sawaal
Ab(s) bas. What started with Shekhar Suman to SRK to Aamir to Shahid to John to Imran (hashmi & khan) to (maybe) Vidya Balan to Raakhi Saawant…… As If its like the TV Antenna of the good old times … we used to compare I have 13 bars, I have 18 bars … (6 pac 8 pac…10 pac…family pac) …bull. Its like being a perpetual Crunch(es) situation. Please spare us from this immaculately waxed, sweaty stomachs and show some face.
No more VAJRA
Hell no…VAJRA is not another missile to be test (mis)fired. VAJRA is – VENKAT (Yechuri), ARUN (Jaitley), JAYANTI (Natrajan), RAVI (Shankar Prasad) and ABHISHEK (Manu Singhvi). They appeared on either CNN IBN or NDTV or Times NOW every day for the last 365 days. Being at each other’s throat (and am sure drinking at each other’s expense post those interviews). With that regular and that many meetings they should be bum chums by now. And what debate …. Totally incredulously spectacularly foot in mouthiest blabber. I guess their job is to just come on air every night prime time to give every household some break to make garam rotis for dinner to get ready for a nice juicy teleserial beginning with “K” or “B”, or some EPL game or some Hollywood flick. (All I remember when they speak is Congress…Congresss…BJP…BJP…. LEFT …. LEFT… gosh nothing is LEFT in my head). Change …..immediately.
Vast Uff @ Hyderabad !!
This ones straight from the heart. Have been wanting to buy a home for myself for the last one year. But have got lost in the bylanes of Vastushastra…which is intended to make your living healthy, prosperous and energetic. But at Hyderabad this shastra or the usage of it beats me. All plans look the same – South East Kitche, North East Bedroom, North West second bedroom (with Balcony), 80% walls, 11.75% windows ….. with such little sunlight, air, ventilation….how can one expect energy…forget energy …basic Oxygen for respiration. Its perspiration aplenty. I want to change this aversion to Windows at Hyderabad. There are living rooms with a door opening into a balcony and a window also opening into the balcony… why not remove the wall and open everything to balcony …. Clueless. Vast uff !!! Please please change.
Manicured & Pedicured Designer Terrorists of Indian Origins
Now this is a new trend with apna fillum wallahs. Love story in Umrica laced with a Terrorist Angle. And then they crib they were put through an extended Security Check. They should be imprisoned for making these fillums – Innocent hero getting caught into the EMOSANAL ATTYACHAR of FBI (FBI is a glamorous word in Bolly nowadays), and then causing some bomb blasts or threatening to blow Umrica…etc etc. Chee… stop it.
MNS SS Sshhh !!!
This is a serious case study for Identity Crisis, aftereffects of bunking the class of Political Science and drawing too many vitriolic cartoons (Both sr. and jr. Thackerays are cartoonists – only claim to fame). I think both the parties’ head quarters have sign boards with additional prominence given to the word SENA and the rest as fine print. And I guess their slogans are common – something to the tune of “DO before you think, Keep doing… Start thinking when everything boomerangs”. Grow up folks !!!
This is very dear to me, being an avid Cricket fan. Like the razors and shaving gels of his counter parts Bhajji too lost something (Shaving not being on agenda for him). His Pehla…. His every pehla doosra teesra ball is a Doosra … where is pehla – the traditional off tweak. This is of serious national concern and needs CBI intervention (but those guys are lost too … in Jessica, Ruchika, Etcetra Etcetra).
Amitabh (se) Bachchao
Bhacchan saab bachchon ki tarah bachkaani baton mein bachi khuchi stardom ko bachane ki koshish kar rahe hain…. Bachao bachao. Starting from Binani Cement, Boro Plus, Dabur Chyavanprash, Himani Fast Relief, to Bigg Boss, Paa, Alladin, Bhoothnath (This movie was telecasted 27 times in the last 2 months on various channels), Ab tak Bachchan …. Its AB everywhere. Sprinkle these with those visits to 735 temples and shrines, 643 recitation programs to recite “Madhushaala”, a few customary stomach aches…. Sometimes I feel this was his way of marketing himself ahead of SRK and Aamir. How about another Sabbatical Mr. Bachchan?
After being completely ignorant about Global Warming (watch Lalu say this term, he says Gobar Warning…lol), I laid my hands on Al Gore’s the Incovenient Truth. Boy..wasnt I scared watching this horror flick. Imagine this “Earth is heating – as if someone has turned the gas onto HIGH mode, Greenland is melting – chunks of ice melt into the sea, Sea level rises – Archemedes remember??, Water gushes into landbase, Earth drowns……” …. Then there is Dennis Quaid / Will smith – Sole survivor, who have to connect with this one Russian “Gary Sinise” in a space craft revolving around earth. They plot a plan to freeze Greenland back thus reducing waterlevels ….if they do that in 23 minutes and 38 seconds they might still save 300 bn people who were about to breathe their last. …………. Forget it. I am shit scared of what I saw and am clueless what I can do.
Its one of those Telengana bandhs at Hyderabad and I am going mad sitting alone at office. Khaali dimag shaitan ki mandi. You got the taste above. If I have my way, I would listen more, laugh more, love more and Care more. Have a great 2010 …al of you. God bless.